Guys: 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

* You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
* Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don;t have to thank me…no..really.

Good luck guys.

Oil Change instructions for Women

Oil Change instructions for Women:   

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches  3000 miles since the last oil change.
 
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
 
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
 
 Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

-------------------------------------------------------
Oil Change instructions for Men :
 
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
 
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home
 
3) Open a beer and drink it.
 
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
 
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
 
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
 
7) Place drain pan under engine.
 
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
 
10) Unscrew drain plug.
 
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
 
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
 
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
 
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
 
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
 
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
 
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
 
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
 
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
 
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
 
21) Drink beer.
 
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
 
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
 
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with o ily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
 
25) Begin cussing fit.
 
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
 
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
 
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
 
30) Beer.
 
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
 
32) Beer.< /B>
 
33) Lower car from jack stands.
 
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
 
35) Beer.
 
36) Test drive car.
 
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
 
38) Car gets impounded.
 
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
 
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
  

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

The Push

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?", she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!",  replies the drunk.