Too Sweet!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.   The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.  

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"  
 

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. 

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.

"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

 

I Like Big Bibles

THE OLD MAN ON THE MOPED

A lawyer goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO.  It is also the most expensive car he could find and it cost him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
 
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
 
The lawyer replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
 
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the lawyer proudly.
 
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
 
"No problem," replies the lawyer.
 
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting  back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right. ... but I'll stick with my Moped!"
 
Just then the light changes, so the lawyer decides to show the old man just  what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer  reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. it seems  to be getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be and, suddenly,  WHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH, something whips by him going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the lawyer asks  himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!  Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph, WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
 
Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
 
Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again!
 
The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The lawyer stops and jumps out and, unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
 
The old man whispers, "Unhook.... my suspenders .......... from your... side  view mirror."

PECANS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

 

 

REAL FRIEND TEST

• A simple friend, when visiting, acts like a guest. A real friend opens your refrigerator and helps himself (and doesn't feel even the least bit weird shutting your 'beer/Pepsi drawer' with her foot!)    
• A simple friend has never seen you cry. A real friend has shoulders soggy from your tears..
• A simple friend doesn't know your parents' first names. A real friend has their phone numbers in his address book.
• A simple friend brings a bottle of wine to your party. A real friend comes early to help you cook and stays late to help you clean.
• A simple friend hates it when you call after they have gone to bed. A real friend asks you why you took so long to call.
• A simple friend seeks to talk with you about your problems. A real friend seeks to help you with your problems.  
• A simple friend wonders about your romantic history. A real friend could blackmail you with it.
• A simple friend thinks the friendship is over when you have an argument. A real friend calls you after you had a fight.
• A simple friend expects you to always be there for them. A real friend expects to always be there for you!
• A simple friend reads this e-mail and deletes it. A real friend passes it on and sends it back to you!  

 

Pass this on to anyone you care about......if you get it back you have no beginning, no end.  

 

It keeps us together, like our Circle of Friends. 

 

Today I pass this on to you. Pass it on to someone who is a friend to you...

Never Mess with a Woman

The Silent Treatment 

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. 

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.  As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" 
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws."
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE 
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.  As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.  "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.  "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." 
 
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN  
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
I know I'm not going to understand women.  I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. 
 
W O R D S 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" 
 
CREATION 
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! 
 
WHO DOES WHAT 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,  and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."  The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and  you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."  Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."  Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" 
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. 
 
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

Kids in Church

3-year-old Reese:

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we
forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up
to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
"Did God throw him back down?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

The Nun

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
 
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.  She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'
 
'Well, in that case I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
 
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.  After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
 
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
 
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender. 'Would you like a drink?'
 
'But, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
 
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.'

Baptism

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys,a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?" she says as she shook the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing church mommy," he said "And I was just baptizing him ....in the name of the Father, the Son and in... the hole-he-goes."

"Two Brooms"

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself; this is going to hurt.

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes.

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!