Christmas Cookie Rules...

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

Swine Flu Warning

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu............. Ignore it…………………… It's just Spam.

Eve's Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' 
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'  And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' 

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?' 
 
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Behold the Woman

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, She'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, She'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to Her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies...

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my d ear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Guys: 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

* You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
* Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don;t have to thank me…no..really.

Good luck guys.

Oil Change instructions for Women

Oil Change instructions for Women:   

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches  3000 miles since the last oil change.
 
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
 
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
 
 Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

-------------------------------------------------------
Oil Change instructions for Men :
 
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
 
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home
 
3) Open a beer and drink it.
 
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
 
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
 
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
 
7) Place drain pan under engine.
 
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
 
10) Unscrew drain plug.
 
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
 
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
 
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
 
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
 
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
 
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
 
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
 
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
 
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
 
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
 
21) Drink beer.
 
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
 
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
 
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with o ily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
 
25) Begin cussing fit.
 
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
 
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
 
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
 
30) Beer.
 
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
 
32) Beer.< /B>
 
33) Lower car from jack stands.
 
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
 
35) Beer.
 
36) Test drive car.
 
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
 
38) Car gets impounded.
 
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
 
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
  

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

The Push

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?", she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!",  replies the drunk.

Colonoscopy

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:
 
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
 
Then Andy explained the  colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.  I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
 
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven.  I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
 
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.  Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.  In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the moviPrep.
 
You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,  because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
 
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
 
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:  Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the  future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
 
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage.  I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
 
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
 
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.  Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.  At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
 
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this  particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
 
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade.  If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
 
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
 
ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.  On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
 
 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
 
 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
 
 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
 
 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
 
 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
 
 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
 
 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
 
 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
 
 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
 
 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
 
 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
 
 12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
 
 
    And the best one of all.
 
 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

T.G.I.F.

A guy walks into an elevator, pushes the button for his floor and then notices a perky little blonde is in there with him.
He smiles at her and she smiles back and says T.G.I.F....he thinks for a minute looks back at her and says S.H.I.T.
The blonde being so pleasantly perky looks at him again and with a little more enthusiasm repeats T.G.I. F.
He again looks at her a little puzzled and says again S.H.I.T.
This time the little perky princess prepares her biggest smile and musters all the excitement she can and repeats T.G.I.F.
By this time the guy is more than annoyed with her and mockingly exclaims S.H.I.T....by now the blonde is a little confused and says with a smile T.G.I.F. means "Thank God It's Friday duuuuhhhh".
Waiting for the guy to "get it" to which he turns to her and says sternly "S.H.I.T. means Sorry Honey Its Thursday....duuuhhhh"

And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

---

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

---

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

---

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.......so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

---

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

---

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think that a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

---

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....