Medical Alert... Contagious Virus

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to at least five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected
and WORK is controlling your life.

Things you should never say to a cop...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged  in. 

3. Aren't you the  guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you  must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!  

5. Are You Andy  or Barney?

6. I thought you  had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your  salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!  

10. Do you know  why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying  to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You  probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

 

 

Underwear Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
 
His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
 
The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.  'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?'
 
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!'

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

The Man and an Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke. '

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'