Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed. "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." 

 "My God!" says my wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Celery

Larry ordered steamed Asian vegetables, hold the celery. But they brought him celery anyways so he just left it. The next week Larry ordered tomato soup and it came with a stick of celery on the side. Again he left it uneaten. Then while eating a sandwich, he spied celery on the sidewalk outside.

It was then Larry realized; he was being stalked!"
 

Learning to Read

Joe is 5 and learning to read.

He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,

"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"

 Deep breath .. "What did you call it?"

 "It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!

It says so on the picture!"

 and so it does ...

 "A f r i c a n Elephant "

 Hooked On Phonics strikes again.