Things you should never say to a cop...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged  in. 

3. Aren't you the  guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you  must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!  

5. Are You Andy  or Barney?

6. I thought you  had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. 

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your  salary!

9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!  

10. Do you know  why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying  to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You  probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'

 

 

Underwear Dust

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your Clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
 
His Wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
 
The next morning the Husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.  'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
 
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put Talcum Powder in my Underwear?'
 
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder, It's 'Miracle Grow!'

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa
went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my
bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel
good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my
boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door
and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is
your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.