The Man and an Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the
ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be
$9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A
hamburger, fries and a coke. '

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the
waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'
Once again, the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in
your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me
two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!'

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

Every office needs a slogan......

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

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In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

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At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit please back in."

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On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

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On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

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On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

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At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

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On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

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In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

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At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

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On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

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On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

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At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

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In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

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At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

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In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home :

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

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At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

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And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take leak

Girl's Bathroom Humor

When you have to visit a public Bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.  Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance." In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.  you'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance." To take your mind off your  trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

 

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still sm aller than your thumbnail Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

 

"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, be cause, you're certain< BR>her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the
sinks.

 

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you
just might need this."

 

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?" This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men wh at really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonlyasked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

 

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!