Old Couple at Breakfast

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds." "Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?" So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." "I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the others in your oatmeal."

Praise Be!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to expressPraise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Truths for Mature Humans

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.


15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time

It SOoooooo Hot...

• The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
  
• The trees are whistling for the dogs.
• The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
  
• Hot water now comes out of both taps.
  
• You can make sun tea instantly.
  
• You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
  
• The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
  
• You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
  
• You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
  
• You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
  
• You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
• Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
  
• You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
  
• The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
  
• Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
• The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  

STAY COOL!!

How do you decide who to marry? (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

• You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
  - Alan, age 10
  
  
• No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
  - Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

• Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
  - Camille, age 10
  
  
• No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
  - Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

• You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
  - Derrick, age 8
  

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

• Both don't want any more kids.
  - Lori, age 8
  

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

• Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
  - Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
  

• On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
  - Martin, age 10
  

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

• I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
  -Craig, age 9
  

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

• When they're rich.
  - Pam, age 7
  
  
• The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
  - Curt, age 7
  
  
• The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
  - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

• I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
  - Theodore, age 8
  

• It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
  - Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
  

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

• There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
  - Kelvin, Age 8
  

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

• Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
  - Ricky, age 10

Grandma Still Drives...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared..

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

LOST CHURCHES OF LOUISIANA

The hurricanes that hit the Gulf Coast of our nation were devastating. It did not spare the houses of worship in and around the area.

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with an elderly woman from New Orleans .

The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate.

She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We gits our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

The Middle Wife

The Middle Wife by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher, who wrote ...

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back..

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that.. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.'

Kids Today Have it Easy!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....
Uphill...
Barefoot...
BOTH ways...
Yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids - about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it.
But now, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in an Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog.

There was no email. We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and mess it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.
We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a da#n call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY!!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your butt and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?! (No Cable in my city either until around 1976)

So, there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little brats!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before that!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

JOB DESCRIPTION: PARENT

POSITION :

• Mum, Mommy, Mama, Ma

• Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
  

JOB DESCRIPTION :

• Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment.
• Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
  
• Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
  
• Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
  

RESPONSIBILITIES :

• The rest of your life.
  
• Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
  
• Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
  
• Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
  
• Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
  
• Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
  
• Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
  
• Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, and embarrassment the next.
  
• Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
  
• Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
  
• Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
  
• Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

• None.
  
• Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
  

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE?

• None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

• Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
  
• A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
  
• When you die, you give them whatever is left.
  
• The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

• While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job.

AND A FOOTNOTE... THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

LEARN TO MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, And all the patients were outside shouting, '13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on....

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'...

Christmas Cookie Rules...

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

Swine Flu Warning

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu............. Ignore it…………………… It's just Spam.

Eve's Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' 
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'  And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes. 

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' 

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?' 
 
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Behold the Woman

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, She'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, She'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to Her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of sh*t.

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies...

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

8. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my d ear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!' This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Guys: 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire

Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of…and I have quite the imagination…

So. Are you ready? Are you all that is man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on….

Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Cetainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it..over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys… It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game
This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o.k. until the end.

* You will need two piles…no I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing..that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.

* When you put the toilet seat up….put it back down.
* Every time.

I know…I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible…it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you all ready know this technnique you should be using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (hot dogs and popcorn does not count)
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to technique #1.

You don;t have to thank me…no..really.

Good luck guys.

Oil Change instructions for Women

Oil Change instructions for Women:   

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches  3000 miles since the last oil change.
 
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
 
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
 
 Money spent:
Oil Change:
$20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00

-------------------------------------------------------
Oil Change instructions for Men :
 
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.
 
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home
 
3) Open a beer and drink it.
 
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
 
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
 
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
 
7) Place drain pan under engine.
 
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
 
10) Unscrew drain plug.
 
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
 
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
 
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
 
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
 
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
 
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
 
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
 
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
 
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
 
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
 
21) Drink beer.
 
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
 
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
 
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with o ily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
 
25) Begin cussing fit.
 
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
 
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
 
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
 
30) Beer.
 
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
 
32) Beer.< /B>
 
33) Lower car from jack stands.
 
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
 
35) Beer.
 
36) Test drive car.
 
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
 
38) Car gets impounded.
 
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
 
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
  

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

The Push

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?", she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!",  replies the drunk.